Butthead - "Uhh Ba-na-doochyyy... huh huh"

Danny Bonaduce (pronounced Ba-na-DOO-SHee) is certifiably insane. If you haven't watched this show yet, don't miss out on it for fear of the leather-faced Bonaduce. I was just like you at one point and turned a blind eye to this ass-clown thinking that this was just another reality show about a Hollywood washout. Do this no more my fair reader. Feed off this guy like you do the fat guy at McDonald's or Wendy's knowing that no matter how much you eat today, you will never allow yourself to take on the weight of three other people. In other words take comfort in the fact that you are not anything like the bat crazy Danny-boy.

Let me first start by saying that our main man seems to have a problem with alcohol and blames this on the heavy dose of crazy he delivers to us, the audience. While having issues with drugs and alcohol is not funny, putting yourself on TV during your hard lost "recovery" certainly proves to be.

The first and only episode I have seen focused on an issue that he had with his rather decent looking wife having strippers at a hotel room she was in with her friends. Danny-boy was not game for this. I tuned in when Dooshy and his friends were headed out to a strip club of their own, but he just wasn't okay with his wife doing the same.

He called a few times and interrupted the party where his wife was, and finally climbed out of the limo where his friends were and decided to walk to the hotel where his wife was. Apparently he is liquored up and is met at the entrance by security. He demands to speak to his wife because "she did not have permission." Finally, after talking to her over the phone and hyperventalating with his chest out like a mad man (read kid that needs attention), he goes home and starts drinking.

When his wife gets home he starts chasing her around in a way that would scare the hell out of most people. He starts asking her all these questions and she is trying to get away from him. Then he grabs a camera and continues questioning her saying for her to tell the cameras to leave if she wants privacy. She finally cracks and tells the cameras to leave. The screen goes black.

The statements on the screen say that she decided to tell him that she wanted a divorce and that later he tried to commit suicide by slitting his wrists. Later, in a scene where he is seeing his shrink with her, it was revealed that he did it the wrong way, i.e. across his wrists instead of along them. Then he tries to put it all on her and tells her that if she leaves him that this would happen again.

What an ass clown. He talks about 90 miles an hour and never seems to take what anyone else says to heart before talking again. Then he gets hung up on small things and tries to kill himself? No wonder his "wife" won't have sex with him.

By the way he and her married on the NIGHT THE MET and they have two kids. Can you believe the idiots that are molded and ruined in Hollywood?

For more reality show antics, be sure to watch one of my favorite shows on television, The Soup. It is a shmorgusboard of reality from the week. Its oh so good.

Time-waster

Whoops, last time I wrote in I was on a healthy rant. How weird. Today I am just writing out of sheer boredom. Have you ever just been that bored at work? Well you know I have. The funny thing about where I work is that they hired a bunch of guys that they don't actually need just yet. In a month's time, they'll need us like crazy, but now not so much.

That sad, I was looking into some things for people in my situation to do that won't get us fired. The cool thing about here is that I can help someone else and learn what they are doing as long as they actually need help. No one is like that around me right now, so it is time to look at some other options.

Let me set a couple of ground rules first:

1. Using the internet is dangerous and limited
They have blocked many sites and could pull up your overall usage if they wanted to.

2. Emailing friends is dangerous and limited
Again they could pull up your email usage and if your friends are hard at work you may be out of luck anyway.

Okay, so now we sit firmly in the early 20th century. Now what? Basically, I am looking for suggestions here. Here is a list of some other old fashioned things I have tried:

1. Wandered around talking to people.
...but this is still an engineering company with engineering quality personality. This gets old before the end of the first conversation.
FUN TIME = 15 min without random illness or absence

2. Text messaging with friends.
While this isn't old fashioned, it does allow an undetectable volume of messaging.
FUN TIME = 5 min of reading and writing

3. Listening to talk radio.
This is my main outlet.
FUN TIME = 2-3 hrs, but commercials suck donkey balls

4. Mastering the art of pencil twirling.
Are you kidding? I mastered this already in the first month of employment.
FUN TIME = 2 wks of practice

5. Starting a blog.
Doing that as I type, but not as read. I need more topics, though. Ideas?
FUN TIME = endless, but only in short bursts

This is pretty much it. I need some ideas people. I gave you a pitch down the middle, now hit it out of the park. Just follow the ground rules and try not to get me fired.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Okay, so it has been a while since I said anything here. I have been too busy making my own TiVo. That is coming along quite nicely by the way. I just had a coupld of rants to give for the holiday season.

Let me kick this off the proper way so you will know how I feel. First of all, before you read this any further go buy Mr. and Mrs. Smith!!! Right now!!! Has anyone else noticed the amount of post big-screen marketing that has been going on since Turkey Day for this movie? If the marketing agents in this country wanted you to buy this movie any more, they would have to send strippers to your place with beer and pizza. I haven't seen a more senseless overhyping than when Chicken Little was coming out.

Its getting out of control. Do me a favor and watch one quarter of any televised football game. Count the number of times you see the over-hyped, unattractive, thick-lipped Angelina Jolie and her bitch, Brad Pitt. I never wanted to see this movie, but now I think I should be paid some money for having to watch it through the countless commercials spewed from the marketing agents as if it were acidic spit in an Alien movie. But seriously, go buy this movie right now.

The next topic involves a trifecta on traffic. First of all, my hat goes off to those people that have the will power to stay in the left lane regardless of the speed at which other cars in the left lane are approaching. There should be a Real Men of Genius song dedicated to these jerk offs. I always get a picture in my mind of the offending person saying that they pay their taxes too, and deserve to be in that lane. What they really mean is that they deserve to be able to cause accidents too.

Which brings me to my next point; the people that cause accidents on the morning and afternoon commute. This sounds cold, but I would bet many of these accidents could be avoided. Think about this, the person going at or below the speed limit in the left-hand lane forces the person in a hurry into another lane and possibly others. The traffic gets slower and slower as the person in a hurry goes more towards the shoulder. This is dangerous. The autobahn has a law that you cannot pass on the right, and that leads to less traffic accidents. You do the math. Or take the idiots who can't seem to pack their truck properly or cannot afford a rope. Just this weekend, a piece of sheet metal almost hit us on the highway! And I have had a ladder fall out right in front of me, again on the highway. Listen, ass clown, try to hold off moving your brother or starting up your construction company until you can afford a rope. Think 'proactive.'

I am to my last point on traffic. This one goes out to the big truck owners out there in suburbia. I am glad you finally got that truck you had you eye on. That's right, the one that takes diesel and fits in a space bigger than some peoples' apartments. This month is truck month again after all, so you can go get one too if you need that to haul hay over to your house in Rich Suburbia Pass. It just feels unamerican to use up less gas in a day than that of a 747 traveling from Europe to the US... the long way. I mean if you stop driving your F-8million, the terrorists win, right?

Every day I go to work, I am faced with the fact that idiot good old boys drive themselves to work in these pollution factories and completely fail at the task of parking. And why is that they all want to back into their parking spots?? Is there like a waiver you have to sign before you drive it off the lot that says you will cause back-ups in parking lots across the state by insisting that you CAN make it into that spot marked 'compact' AND that you can do it in reverse? Today I got to work and tried to pull into a spot. I was immediately feeling the rage when I couldn't get a wide enough turn going to pull in the spot I was headed for because of a backed-in F-34972650, so I was forced into a 3-point turn into the spot. Then, on top of that, the truck across from the spot I pulled into, had backed in and taken up 1/4 of my spot. Right now, the ass-end of my car is hanging in the isle, which isn't a big deal apparently because these assholes do it everyday. Thanks for making the roads a little more dangerous for everyone else while making your sure your imbecile life continues.

***DISCLAIMER - I know some people need trucks for work and what not. This is not for you.

Just a little note about dress code

I am writing this aside to let my fellow engineers on a subject that misses many of their radars; fashion. As a software guy, I get that there are plenty of engineers out there who just don't care how they look. This isn't for you. This is for the engineer who cares but simply can't grasp the idea that a braided 'Zach Morris' belt is not in style.

Add the braided belt as the first thing to burn in a raging fire of new-found style... well let's hold off on that term just yet. Shall we? Another big deal around the office is the short sleeved button up. For each one of these you own, you must take the braided belt and slap your own back one time. Then the next time you are in a store and think its a 'nice' shirt, you be startled to non-self-destructive taste with this memory.

This might be difficult, but try to imagine a closet without pleated pants. Well first try to imagine a closet without pleated jeans. Think What About Bob... baby steps. Seriously? Jeans? I can't believe you still look at these and think "That'll look okay." Get over this and you'll be getting there. Also, if you are a victim of jorts - and if you are wondering what that means then you are - get rid of them. They will explode and kill you.

Finally, look down at your shoes. If you have tassles on them, toss them. Then go buy some Kenneth Coles. Not cool. Not cool at all. Now go forth and and create with style.

Gaming != Disease

I just finished reading an article that I found pretty interesting about whether or not the gaming is an addiction. This is yet another case of blaming the wrong thing here. Read it and then get my feedback... if you want.

First of all, I know I really like Counter-strike and look forward to playing it sometimes. When I am sitting at work for instance, and I'm bored out of my mind, I can't wait to get home to play it. Then again, once I actually get home I can easily be persuaded to sit on the couch, play guitar, or even read a book. I also realize that I don’t get into playing bots (or computer-only competition) and would rather play against other people. The aspect of competition is being disregarded here.

Second, I think what you need to do is blame the person here; not the game. Again, while I enjoy CS quite a bit and have taken long periods to play only it, I also somehow find the urge to eat and sleep and definitely am able to take a shower. The game is not at fault for what this idiot person is doing to or has done to themselves. This is the same as blaming alcohol for drunk driving when it is really the idiot behind the wheel who can’t control himself. Before you go pointing fingers you need to make sure it is pointed in the right direction.

You can't stay mad at me...

She is my favorite person-that-I-met-about-two-years-ago-and-still-adore-
even-though-she-is-living-over-seas-and-I-barely-
know-her-ish person. I am writing her to let her know that although I called her a firecracker and play the whole back-and-forth argument game with her, I still adore her. She doesn't know these things because we haven't talked face to face since we met. You've seen her around salivating at the thought of thwarting the ideas in my most recent post in its respective comments section. She just read that and got steaming mad, but the truth is that is why I like her; hell that is why we all like her. Her abrasive tone and ability to catch me in my own mis-comments is what keeps me paying attention. So come on back. Don't be shy. I heard that you are not happy with me. Don't be that way. Come on, give me some sugar.

I enjoy your blogs as well, Sweetie, and I sincerely try to leave good comments on yours: ones that will stimulate more conversation. I just meant to point out that you seem to disagree with me a lot, that's all. It isn't something we can't get past. I mean we have so much history, it would be a shame to let it all go now. I should post an Boys II Men song here so you know how I really feel.

By the way, has anyone else noticed that Gilbert Godfried is not only not funny, but might be kin to Richard Simmons?

My favorite bands are Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, and Terrible Generic Band #24

Hey, have you checked out the new U2 album?? Geez, it really is a stroke of genius! Bono is so dreamy and the Edge really gets me pumped! I know it gets a lot of hype, but this time it's for real!! I mean you have heard that song "Vertigo" from the ipod commercial right? Well just imagine the rest of the album. Manufactured, ready-to-eat music taste is so delicious!!

The above person has lost all sense of taste in music and, therefore, all sense period. Notice the abuse of exclamation marks. As well as the hurried feel in which they talk. This is a classic case of not needing to watch anymore TV or listen to anymore radio. That said, let's take a look at some the most overrated bands of all time. The following are just a bunch of bands that belong in this group in no particular order except for the last two. They deserve a place at the top. Oh and by the way, I know I am a music snob. I am reminded all the time. Drink it down.

Green Day
I'll admit when I was a kid I fell victim to an album called "Dookie." When you are a kid, that kind of foul-mouthedness is hard to pass up. But let's get real, a little research says they have released about 5 or 6 albums since then. None of them have had tricky names to dupe the youngins, so what the hell is going on here. They are everywhere now. Please help thwart this uprising of terrible music. "Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road..." Shit! Where did that come from? "...An American idiot..." Oh dear, sweet God. Make this stop!

U2
This was obviously going to make the list. "With or Without You" - yes. "Sunday Bloody Sunday" - yes. Everything else - No. Stop spending $100 for general admission tickets, people. Instead, go get some bad American beer, some firecrackers, and a large trash can. Climb inside and light the fuse. When you emerge you will be a lot better off than the guy who just sat through a 2 hour beating at the high-priced concert. Also, 'f' that stupid ipod idea.

Aerosmith
Ok. Here again. Their old stuff is good: from when they started, all the way through Pump. After that it gets pretty dismal pretty quick. They apparently spent the next year deriving a formula for their sound, and boy did it ever work. What a shame.

The Beatles
Yeah, yeah, I know you are only reading this now after posting a nasty, hasty comment, my little sheep, but the truth is... I don't get it. I can remember when that Anthology album came out, and I was forced to sit through such beatings in almost every car where I wasn't in control of the stereo. The worst part is that most people only wanted to listen to their little early poppy tunes. Oh Walrus and McCartney, why didn't you get into drugs sooner. See the thing with the Beatles is that they got better with time, unlike most bands. Then you have Lennon's solo stuff which is really good. The reason they make this list is because of the songs that people celebrate most. They are the reason their fame is so out of control and all this adds up to O-VER-RA-TED (clap, clap, clap, clap, clap... think college football here).

Def Leppard
For about a quarter of a century now, these douche rockets have been touring. The question I pose is "Why?" Yeah, yeah, I get that they have that one-armed drummer. That is neat... for all of 13 seconds, but I get easily distracted when my ears are bleeding. Sorry. It never fails; if you are in a bar full of frat-tastic fuck heads, you will hear that "Pour Some Sugar on Me" song. Take a look at their album called Rock of Ages, which outlines thier hits presumably, and you will realize that these assholes are still touring off that song!!

AND now for the two most overrated, abrasive, caustic, unhealthy, pop-whorish, makes-me-contemplate-suicide-ish bands on the face of the Earth...

Van Halen
I am not talking about a feud between those fans who prefer David Lee Roth over Sammy "Cabo Wabo" Hagar here. In fact, I don't see that the topic provides the necessary equipment for a feud. Take a look at the definition and you will see what I am talking about. This band sucks. Plain and simple. If you disagree you are just an 80's teen still stuck in that overwhelming media frenzy that started after a "guy could play guitar real good." This band shares the top spot because they have no redeeming qualities, but people will literally fight you if you "talk shit about Halen, Buddy." I don't even want to go on vacation in Cabo for fear of seeing Samuel down there.

Bon Jovi
I almost put this one at the top by itself, but Van Halen fans suck too bad. Bon Jovi is the longest-running pop campaign I have ever seen. Shit, they've outlasted Madonna. They get will not be outdone at the frat-tastic bars either. They lie in wait until after the one Def Leppard song is played and immediately blast "Livin' on a Prayer" and "Shot Through the Heart" in an easy-to-disguise seamless fashion back to back. Anybody that puts out a song with the title having an apostrophe where a letter should be should not have an album or be famous. They should in fact be forced to go to a school of good taste. I write music and I would never, EVER, do anything like that. You are supposed to be your toughest critic and that shit just doesn't fly. Fuck Bon Jovi and fuck endin' words with apostrophes (unless you are showing an ownership to many). It just looks ignorant.