Butthead - "Uhh Ba-na-doochyyy... huh huh"

Danny Bonaduce (pronounced Ba-na-DOO-SHee) is certifiably insane. If you haven't watched this show yet, don't miss out on it for fear of the leather-faced Bonaduce. I was just like you at one point and turned a blind eye to this ass-clown thinking that this was just another reality show about a Hollywood washout. Do this no more my fair reader. Feed off this guy like you do the fat guy at McDonald's or Wendy's knowing that no matter how much you eat today, you will never allow yourself to take on the weight of three other people. In other words take comfort in the fact that you are not anything like the bat crazy Danny-boy.

Let me first start by saying that our main man seems to have a problem with alcohol and blames this on the heavy dose of crazy he delivers to us, the audience. While having issues with drugs and alcohol is not funny, putting yourself on TV during your hard lost "recovery" certainly proves to be.

The first and only episode I have seen focused on an issue that he had with his rather decent looking wife having strippers at a hotel room she was in with her friends. Danny-boy was not game for this. I tuned in when Dooshy and his friends were headed out to a strip club of their own, but he just wasn't okay with his wife doing the same.

He called a few times and interrupted the party where his wife was, and finally climbed out of the limo where his friends were and decided to walk to the hotel where his wife was. Apparently he is liquored up and is met at the entrance by security. He demands to speak to his wife because "she did not have permission." Finally, after talking to her over the phone and hyperventalating with his chest out like a mad man (read kid that needs attention), he goes home and starts drinking.

When his wife gets home he starts chasing her around in a way that would scare the hell out of most people. He starts asking her all these questions and she is trying to get away from him. Then he grabs a camera and continues questioning her saying for her to tell the cameras to leave if she wants privacy. She finally cracks and tells the cameras to leave. The screen goes black.

The statements on the screen say that she decided to tell him that she wanted a divorce and that later he tried to commit suicide by slitting his wrists. Later, in a scene where he is seeing his shrink with her, it was revealed that he did it the wrong way, i.e. across his wrists instead of along them. Then he tries to put it all on her and tells her that if she leaves him that this would happen again.

What an ass clown. He talks about 90 miles an hour and never seems to take what anyone else says to heart before talking again. Then he gets hung up on small things and tries to kill himself? No wonder his "wife" won't have sex with him.

By the way he and her married on the NIGHT THE MET and they have two kids. Can you believe the idiots that are molded and ruined in Hollywood?

For more reality show antics, be sure to watch one of my favorite shows on television, The Soup. It is a shmorgusboard of reality from the week. Its oh so good.

Time-waster

Whoops, last time I wrote in I was on a healthy rant. How weird. Today I am just writing out of sheer boredom. Have you ever just been that bored at work? Well you know I have. The funny thing about where I work is that they hired a bunch of guys that they don't actually need just yet. In a month's time, they'll need us like crazy, but now not so much.

That sad, I was looking into some things for people in my situation to do that won't get us fired. The cool thing about here is that I can help someone else and learn what they are doing as long as they actually need help. No one is like that around me right now, so it is time to look at some other options.

Let me set a couple of ground rules first:

1. Using the internet is dangerous and limited
They have blocked many sites and could pull up your overall usage if they wanted to.

2. Emailing friends is dangerous and limited
Again they could pull up your email usage and if your friends are hard at work you may be out of luck anyway.

Okay, so now we sit firmly in the early 20th century. Now what? Basically, I am looking for suggestions here. Here is a list of some other old fashioned things I have tried:

1. Wandered around talking to people.
...but this is still an engineering company with engineering quality personality. This gets old before the end of the first conversation.
FUN TIME = 15 min without random illness or absence

2. Text messaging with friends.
While this isn't old fashioned, it does allow an undetectable volume of messaging.
FUN TIME = 5 min of reading and writing

3. Listening to talk radio.
This is my main outlet.
FUN TIME = 2-3 hrs, but commercials suck donkey balls

4. Mastering the art of pencil twirling.
Are you kidding? I mastered this already in the first month of employment.
FUN TIME = 2 wks of practice

5. Starting a blog.
Doing that as I type, but not as read. I need more topics, though. Ideas?
FUN TIME = endless, but only in short bursts

This is pretty much it. I need some ideas people. I gave you a pitch down the middle, now hit it out of the park. Just follow the ground rules and try not to get me fired.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Okay, so it has been a while since I said anything here. I have been too busy making my own TiVo. That is coming along quite nicely by the way. I just had a coupld of rants to give for the holiday season.

Let me kick this off the proper way so you will know how I feel. First of all, before you read this any further go buy Mr. and Mrs. Smith!!! Right now!!! Has anyone else noticed the amount of post big-screen marketing that has been going on since Turkey Day for this movie? If the marketing agents in this country wanted you to buy this movie any more, they would have to send strippers to your place with beer and pizza. I haven't seen a more senseless overhyping than when Chicken Little was coming out.

Its getting out of control. Do me a favor and watch one quarter of any televised football game. Count the number of times you see the over-hyped, unattractive, thick-lipped Angelina Jolie and her bitch, Brad Pitt. I never wanted to see this movie, but now I think I should be paid some money for having to watch it through the countless commercials spewed from the marketing agents as if it were acidic spit in an Alien movie. But seriously, go buy this movie right now.

The next topic involves a trifecta on traffic. First of all, my hat goes off to those people that have the will power to stay in the left lane regardless of the speed at which other cars in the left lane are approaching. There should be a Real Men of Genius song dedicated to these jerk offs. I always get a picture in my mind of the offending person saying that they pay their taxes too, and deserve to be in that lane. What they really mean is that they deserve to be able to cause accidents too.

Which brings me to my next point; the people that cause accidents on the morning and afternoon commute. This sounds cold, but I would bet many of these accidents could be avoided. Think about this, the person going at or below the speed limit in the left-hand lane forces the person in a hurry into another lane and possibly others. The traffic gets slower and slower as the person in a hurry goes more towards the shoulder. This is dangerous. The autobahn has a law that you cannot pass on the right, and that leads to less traffic accidents. You do the math. Or take the idiots who can't seem to pack their truck properly or cannot afford a rope. Just this weekend, a piece of sheet metal almost hit us on the highway! And I have had a ladder fall out right in front of me, again on the highway. Listen, ass clown, try to hold off moving your brother or starting up your construction company until you can afford a rope. Think 'proactive.'

I am to my last point on traffic. This one goes out to the big truck owners out there in suburbia. I am glad you finally got that truck you had you eye on. That's right, the one that takes diesel and fits in a space bigger than some peoples' apartments. This month is truck month again after all, so you can go get one too if you need that to haul hay over to your house in Rich Suburbia Pass. It just feels unamerican to use up less gas in a day than that of a 747 traveling from Europe to the US... the long way. I mean if you stop driving your F-8million, the terrorists win, right?

Every day I go to work, I am faced with the fact that idiot good old boys drive themselves to work in these pollution factories and completely fail at the task of parking. And why is that they all want to back into their parking spots?? Is there like a waiver you have to sign before you drive it off the lot that says you will cause back-ups in parking lots across the state by insisting that you CAN make it into that spot marked 'compact' AND that you can do it in reverse? Today I got to work and tried to pull into a spot. I was immediately feeling the rage when I couldn't get a wide enough turn going to pull in the spot I was headed for because of a backed-in F-34972650, so I was forced into a 3-point turn into the spot. Then, on top of that, the truck across from the spot I pulled into, had backed in and taken up 1/4 of my spot. Right now, the ass-end of my car is hanging in the isle, which isn't a big deal apparently because these assholes do it everyday. Thanks for making the roads a little more dangerous for everyone else while making your sure your imbecile life continues.

***DISCLAIMER - I know some people need trucks for work and what not. This is not for you.